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Journal Entry 84
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May 11. Thursday.
Hello. I came back. maybe a little late for iot but... i guess I never left. I didb't post but he sure did.
You wouldn't believe what's been going on in my head lately. its like now that I know he's there I can hear him when he gets into my thoguhts. it doesn't sound like another voice either, but the way i think changes. I'll be thinking normally and then bang! Remember how much you wanted to beat up Andrew that one time? he should pay for that. I mean normally I'd think that was a personal vendetta sort of thing but i know it came from him because that incident was last semester and i dibt' think i held a gudge.
And i'm still thinking about how I killed Marlee and i can't help but wonder if... he did something unspeakabel to her and what if she thought it was me? I remembr writing the note and walking to the bench but then i don't remember anything but seeing her body after the deed was done. H ecan take over that quick.
the worst part about this whole thing is even though I'm upset i don't hink I'm grieving very well. I'm just angry with myself that I somehow let him do that and kill Marlee. At least that says I have some morality left. :/ and now that the primary anger is gone its just self-blame and... i almosg feel more messed up that i killed Marlee than the fact that I killed all those other people too. they're dead and I don't care that I killed them, but Marlee is dead and suddenly i want to kill myself. Because I'm s angry at me for letting him kill her.
I dn't know what to do. Everyone wants me to keep fighting him but now i'm not sure how. there's no warning and there's no way I can really stop him from taking over since I don't know how he takes over. i'm just losing my motivation to fight Dark heart now that I know he's part of me. I hate him and he hates me but he needs me to live, so the only way to get rid of him is to get rid of me,
So i don't care if I die because he needs to die. but if there's a way to get rid of him without killing me that's OK too. Ray, please work faster because I don't want this parasite. a d i don't want him to kill anyone else.
-Rusty
Hello. I came back. maybe a little late for iot but... i guess I never left. I didb't post but he sure did.
You wouldn't believe what's been going on in my head lately. its like now that I know he's there I can hear him when he gets into my thoguhts. it doesn't sound like another voice either, but the way i think changes. I'll be thinking normally and then bang! Remember how much you wanted to beat up Andrew that one time? he should pay for that. I mean normally I'd think that was a personal vendetta sort of thing but i know it came from him because that incident was last semester and i dibt' think i held a gudge.
And i'm still thinking about how I killed Marlee and i can't help but wonder if... he did something unspeakabel to her and what if she thought it was me? I remembr writing the note and walking to the bench but then i don't remember anything but seeing her body after the deed was done. H ecan take over that quick.
the worst part about this whole thing is even though I'm upset i don't hink I'm grieving very well. I'm just angry with myself that I somehow let him do that and kill Marlee. At least that says I have some morality left. :/ and now that the primary anger is gone its just self-blame and... i almosg feel more messed up that i killed Marlee than the fact that I killed all those other people too. they're dead and I don't care that I killed them, but Marlee is dead and suddenly i want to kill myself. Because I'm s angry at me for letting him kill her.
I dn't know what to do. Everyone wants me to keep fighting him but now i'm not sure how. there's no warning and there's no way I can really stop him from taking over since I don't know how he takes over. i'm just losing my motivation to fight Dark heart now that I know he's part of me. I hate him and he hates me but he needs me to live, so the only way to get rid of him is to get rid of me,
So i don't care if I die because he needs to die. but if there's a way to get rid of him without killing me that's OK too. Ray, please work faster because I don't want this parasite. a d i don't want him to kill anyone else.
-Rusty
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Comments3
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I've got an idea but it may take some time. There's a method to help patients with DID and I think it may help you out. We may not be able to get rid of Dark Heart but it may just give you the power to keep him from taking over.
If you're willing to stay with us over the summer we'd be willing to get you an appointment with a psychotherapist. It takes a long time but if you really want to get help, this is the path you're going to have to take. I think it's worth trying.
If you're willing to stay with us over the summer we'd be willing to get you an appointment with a psychotherapist. It takes a long time but if you really want to get help, this is the path you're going to have to take. I think it's worth trying.