Journal Entry 86

May 12, Friday.

This message is primarily for Ray, but our watchers have a right to know.

I'm sorry, but I won't be coming home tonight. And Rusty won't be coming home with you either. I've changed the account password and not given it to anyone else. This will be my last post. It's a shame it has to end this way but it has. And... I'm sorry. To you, Ray, and to Trevor. And to Mom and Dad.

This post is my confession. If they come to your door show this to them. Don't try to look for me because by then I'll already be gone.

I was not myself today. I was Null. He was trying to protect me by keeping my emotional brain from blowing up even worse than it did yesterday. I didn't sleep last night because he was in control. We weren't tired. He was trying to keep me safe. But he wasn't calm either. Null was very angry but I couldn't figure out who. But today, when most everyone else had moved out of the dorms, Null put on the mask and grabbed something he didn't let me remember and we found Rusty outside. He was himself and he was just standing outside the campus cafe. He looked at us but he wasn't afraid.

Null grabbed him with my hands. I saw he had a knife. At this point Rusty started to shout things to Null. Null continued doing what he was doing and pushed Rusty to the ground. Before Rusty could scramble up to run away, Null had kneeled down atop him. I wanted to stop but Null only pushed me further back into my mind, making what happened next a bit of a blur visually. But when I came back to my senses, Null had retreated and I found myself standing over Rusty's body with a bloody knife in my hand.

I held him for a while and cried heavily, after casting aside the mask. Then Null came back to comfort me and thinking back on it doesn't disturb me now. Maybe that should disturb me too but... it doesn't. "The threat is nullified," I hear him saying. "Null protects. You live."

But Rusty died. And Null killed him. He has an odd definition of protection. Rusty wasn't hurting me then and it isn't his fault he was Dark Heart. I may not feel much in this "Nullification" haze but what I do feel is... corrupted. Null was never a killer but he felt he needed to do so to keep me safe. But now his presence in my head feels corrupted with what he's done. Does an imaginary friend have a conscience?

So now you know why I can't come home. I can't come home a killer and I can't trust Null anymore. And he doesn't trust me either. He trusts no one. Ray, he doesn't even trust you and he's known you as long as he's known me.

My fingerprints are all over Rusty's body. I don't care if they find them because I'm leaving. I know I'm innocent of this crime but can you see anyone believing I've got another personality trying to call the shots?

So, that seals it. My confession to murder. Maybe they'll find me someday but I need to be alone while I wrestle with my demon. Jail is hardly a lonely place. If I turn myself in eventually... I need to have Null back under my control. If he lets me have it. I'm typing under his numbing haze right now.

Goodbye. Maybe someday we'll see each other again. I still love you, brother.

-nj